Just Make Stuff

I'm doing the laundry...

A few minutes ago I took one last good smell of her clothes and put them in the wash finally.  We took her name down in the nursery and got things organized and tucked away last night. 

This morning I'm just dragging trying to find a way to pick up the pace for the rest of the day.  There's actually a good amount of stuff to do which is comforting.  Mac's surgery is tomorrow and that's going to be a major deal around here.  He'll be in the hospital overnight to recover and then in an arm cast and walking cast for the next six weeks.  I cannot stand the thought of sending him into an operating room for a couple of hours tomorrow...I just don't feel strong enough right now...but all I can do is hope and pray that it'll all go smoothly.

Sean and I have decided we're going to take our previously purchased airline tickets and go to Ireland in a couple of weeks when he's on Spring Break.  I need to break out the guide books and get things organized.  We wanted, well it's more like need, something to really look forward to and this should do the trick in the interim.  We need to really get away from all of this...hopefully the distraction and adventure will help us be in a better place to figure out what's next for our family.

In an attempt to find a little happiness last night Sean and I settled in on the couch by the fireplace and watched Sisterhood of the Traveling pants...very cute...we both looked at each other with tears in our eyes when a character in the movie said this...

 
Being happy isn't having everything


in your life be perfect. 


                   


Maybe it's about stringing together


all the little things... 


and making those count


for more than the bad stuff. 


                   


Maybe we just get through it... 


and that's all we can ask for.

It's over...

Roxana took Darby back today.  The ride is over.  We're heartbroken all over again, but we did a decent job of protecting ourselves from truly believing this would all work out.

Now we're lost...completely lost.  No future plans...not much hope.  We know it'll come, but right now...well, it's just right now.

Thank you again for every last hope and prayer on behalf of my little family.  We needed every last one to get through this time.

On to the next chapter...let's hope it's a good one...

Today...

...I went to lunch with my best friend from high school who's pregnant and was due last Friday...we also ran to Target together and it was amazing to see so many people just blatantly gawk at her...poor thing needs to go into labor...but I'm so glad we got to spend sometime together today

...was talking to the instructional aide in Mac's class who wants to visit him in the hospital after his surgery later this week and was introduced to another parent who has a daughter dealing with severe cancer.  They've been looking for a bone marrow donor who is O-negative...I have an appointment tomorrow at 5:30pm to donate blood to see since that's my blood type...I figured with all the people that I have caring and praying for my family right now that I need to try and pay it forward

...made plans with my mom to go to confession and lunch tomorrow.  Kind of totally random, but my mom went to Mass Saturday night with a friend and heard the extremely dynamic priest give the homily.  Apparently he'll be hearing confessions for the next few days and invited everyone to come...even if you don't remember the Act of Contrition...since I don't remember it at all I'll take him up on the offer 

...got my requested report from the foster care lady that Darby is waking up every two hours to eat at night, loves to be held or curl up on someones chest with her little legs tucked underneath her...I couldn't help but be a little upset...there is something so WRONG about being told this stuff via an agency if and/or when this is supposed to be our daughter...just trying to deal with it...trying...

...found out that Sean's brother and his wife are pregnant...12 weeks...have had to wait awhile to tell us considering the current situation...we felt so bad that they felt they couldn't share their happy news before tonight...we're thrilled for them even though it feels bittersweet right now...but we're going to be an Uncle and Aunt for the first time

Going to bed...night...

Almost perfect...

The last couple of days we've had such good food, we saw Mac's baseball game yesterday, my favorite movies (You've Got Mail & Stepmom) and Friends episodes seem to be on a continual loop on TBS, got some exercise, had fires in the fireplace, the windows  are open for fresh air and Sean is going for husband of the year by cleaning the house...including deep cleaning the carpets and all...good God I love him.

It really was the perfect weekend and I wish I could just leave it at that...but I can't.

I just MISS her...I keep thinking that there isn't anything we did this weekend that we couldn't have done without her.  Our life would be beyond perfect if little Darby was with us.  Holding her, feeding her, heck even changing diapers.  I'm trying so hard to count my blessings, but there's still a hole in my heart.

Just under 200 hours...

Pretty Good Time...

Nothing big to report...nothing to complain about either.  Just a quiet weekend that we're trying to fill up with good stuff.

Last night Sean and I went out to an early dinner and wandered around shopping for a few hours.  I got to have a little fun at J.Crew and Williams Sonoma. 

Today I'm channeling my inner Martha Stewart...making pot roast for dinner and chocolate cream cheese pound cake for dessert.  Oh, and sun tea...one of those signals for me that it's spring/summer time.

Thanks for all the suggestions on how to fill time.  Part of the irony in this whole situation is I was able to get everything done before we had Darby.  All scrapbooking was caught up, the house is organized, even cards and gifts are made and wrapped for upcoming birthdays.  I was crazy productive.

So, I'll just have to be creative on how I fill the upcoming days.  Or hours...we ONLY have about 219 hours left...thinking about it now, my original estimate of 240 was off--it was more like 264...maybe I can take this time and practice my math skills. :)

Settling In...

First of all, thank you for humoring my hissy-fit yesterday.  I can't tell you how good that felt to type all that out...not "good" like I was happy doing it, but "good" as in therapeutic to vent my feelings before I went entirely crazy.  I didn't mean to offend anyone with my anger, frustration, and spoiled brat behavior.

So, here's where we're at.

The baby is fine...well cared for and reportedly being carried around all day in a Snugly.

Roxana is doing well...back at school and refocused on her life with schoolwork, friends, and her goals for the future.

Our adoption attorney has worked with our agency to confirm their reasoning's for the week wait.  They want Roxana to have plenty of time to reflect and decide if this is what she really wants.  They are desperate to avoid another knee-jerk reaction from her.  Also, from a legal standpoint, they needed this time frame so that if they were ever questioned, it is clear that they were in no way pressuring Roxana to make a decision quickly. 

If she chooses to place the baby for adoption she will have the opportunity next Wednesday March 29th.  Then the paperwork would be processed and the EARLIEST we would have Darby back with us is looking like Monday April 3rd. 

That is IF Roxana chooses to do this. 

IF

So I have about 10+ more days to live with "IF"  It seems interminable right now so I'm going with this...

approximately 240 hours.

If you think about it, hours can disappear in chunks if you're not paying attention to them, you have to sleep some of them away, and they seem altogether manageable on a case by case basis.

So I will live with "IF" one hour at a time and pray they all go by as quick as they can.

Spoiled Brat...

that would be me...just about all day.  It's my turn turn to be like a little girl who lost her baby doll...except I'm a bully and I'm ready to take it out on anyone who comes any where near me.

I've been throwing fits all day and have been altogether completely incapable.  I am SO unbelievably upset that Darby is sitting in foster care and will be there for at least one more solid week.  Unless Roxana chooses to take her back before.  Otherwise she'll get to re-sign all the paperwork next Wednesday...it'll be over-nighted to Social Services on Thursday and they will probably sit on their asses until sometime the following week.  IF I get my daughter back...IF...she'll be almost a month old.  Thanks for that lost time...I'm freaking mourning the lost time before I even have the chance to have my daughter...how crazy is that?  How crazed do I sound? 

You know what's stupid...CKU San Jose registration was an hour ago.  I had really wanted to go and take Ali Edwards album track.  I have so many friends going and I was looking forward to spending time with them.  Sean was more than willing to take care of everything so I could go.  Yet I was so busy decompensating that I missed signing up by over 30 minutes and didn't get into one class or event I wanted. 

Am I reasonable about this?  No, I yell like a spoiled child that I don't get to have ANYTHING I want.  Mind you I'm yelling this to my patient, loving, equally-suffering husband who just wants to help.  Then I tell him I just need him to leave me alone.  I'm a real bitch.

I am SO mad and hurt and most of all soooo freaking DONE. 

So, I'm venting here...then I'll go apologize again even though he kindly told me I don't have to.  Then we'll probably go for a walk, come back maybe watch some television and try to ignore the fact that I'm a whirling dervish of psychotic shit at this point.

Sorry to have to subject you to all of this...how strong and caring and wonderful (and all the other overly kind words that you've had for me) do I sound now?  Seriously.

Heaven help me...

She read my e-mail...

and she wrote back to apologize.  She said she was sorry, she knows she hurt us, she needed to know how it felt to be a mom, that she has "thought it through and you guys will get your daughter back...I know it's the best decision and all"

IT'S NOT DONE YET.  This is no guarantee.  She could unfortunately swing the other way in a minute...heavens knows I have been swinging all over with my emotions.

I told her that we need to get her through this.  That it needs to be her heart and her head working together and her head taking care of her heart when it hurts.  I told her our motivation is for her to have peace with her decision...and that I'm here for her to talk more.

I don't know which way is up right now.  I do know this...what's meant to be will happen.  I still CAN NOT HOPE...I have to fight it...it's too dangerous for my heart. 

Please, more prayers...please.

It gets worse...

I have been called by the adoption agency just over an hour ago.  Roxana has placed Darby in foster care for a week while she thinks it over.  Three families in this poor baby's first 11 days of life.  Now, not even her birth mom has her.  I don't even know how to process that at this point.

I still have little to no hope that we will get our daughter back.  I honestly don't feel Roxana has the support system in place to get through this week and when she misses her daughter she will wait till next Tuesday to get her back. 

A week seems like a life sentence to me...hell, this all happened just five days ago and it's already been an eternity and a half on our hearts.

I'm calling you to pray again.  This baby, our daughter, Roxana's daughter needs your prayers.  As does Roxana since she has such a tortuous week ahead too.  Thank you.

I made it...

through the day.  Sean is getting out of school right now and no doubtfully rushing home to his wife who was extremely mournful about her first day home alone. 

I got nothing done except a shower, pick up Mac, and taking him to his urologist 6 month post-op appointment...where incidentally we were told since the whole undecended testicle thing he now has a 20% higher chance of developing testicular cancer.  Yea, more happy news.  It's good, though, that we know he needs to be extra vigilant.

I have heard from the shelter that Roxana and her family have yet to make up their minds.  I shared that I e-mailed her yesterday and they were in complete support of my thoughts and understood that I needed to have that communication.  They have been so caring and concerned for our family...we're very lucky to have them looking out for us.

Nothing much to say besides that.  There just isn't much else right now.  I have little to nothing to look forward to, I know I will at some point, but right now there's just nothing. 

Apparently right now I'm just depressed, I've already been depressed earlier today, but I've done anger too, and I've worried so much.  I worried that God is frustrated with me because I wanted a girl so much, a daughter...that he doesn't want me to have one for some reason.  I worry that God didn't think I was a good enough mom yet.  Yes, I know I'm a good enough mom, but maybe he wants me in a place where I never take any tiny little thing for granted ever again...and man-alive I thought I was pretty much there with Darby...maybe I'm not.  I JUST DON'T KNOW...and I hate not knowing...hate, hate, hate it. 

Okay, so now I'm sounding like a spoiled child...that's not very promising...or now I'm just doing anger again...who the fuck knows. 

Let's swing back to being positive...I'll just repeat my currently half-hearted mantra that this happened for a reason...it happened for a reason...I have to have faith that this happened for a reason.  Count my blessings...my affectionate fun-loving son, my dedicated strong husband, and my astoundingly kind friends.  Remember that I'm lucky...so lucky to have what I have. 

That does make me feel better...crazy to go through all those emotions in a matter of minutes...but better.

Thank you...

for all of your feedback and most of all for your support, regardless of your thoughts.  I sent it earlier this evening.  I knew I could live with sending it, regardless of the outcome because that's not my motivation.  I would have always regretted not sending it because it I wouldn't be true to myself if I weren't forthright about my feelings.

One more day done...goodnight.

Everything I can do...

It occurred to me when I woke up this morning that I haven't tried.  It's not about trying to get my daughter back, but I haven't tried to express myself to the people that I really need to hear it.  Roxana's mom gets back from Mexico tonight and I feel I should talk to her...to understand...to hear her words, whatever they may be...to make sure she knows how I'm feeling.  I've been thinking of calling her all day since I have her cell phone number on my phone from Roxana's many calls to her.  I don't want to argue or push my cause, but I need more information to gain serious closure.  I also need to know I have done EVERYTHING I could...and being quiet is not part of that.

After my post this morning I decided to compose an e-mail to Roxana.  I assuming when she gets home tomorrow she will check her e-mail since that seems to be an important part of her life.  I wrote it, read it, had Sean read it, revised it a little, read it again and had Sean read it again...but I haven't pressed the send button.  I just wanted you to read it so I have reassurance that my message is being conveyed properly..that I need her to hear my thoughts, REGARDLESS of her final decision.  I know in my heart this won't make a difference, well a difference to anyone but me and that just has to be important right now.  Yes, this baby is her daughter, but she was my daughter too and I feel as if I have the right to express myself.  Please be honest with me...I just want to know I've carefully examined what I'm doing.

Dear Roxana...

I have sat through the weekend at the mercy of the phone ringing and when I woke up this morning something hit me.  I NEED to talk to you. 

Weeks ago when you picked Sean and I to be Darby's parents you said that you liked that we were honest.  You are right, we are, and I honestly wouldn't be me if I didn't communicate, if I just kept all these thoughts and emotions inside myself.  Granted I can talk to Sean, my family or friends...and trust me I have...it's the only thing barely getting me through right now...but you need to hear what I'm saying...I NEED you to hear what I'm saying.

I'm not angry, but I am devastated.  Our entire family is devastated.  You saw that on Thursday night and you ignored it.  I'm sure it was a lot to take in, the tears of a little boy losing his sister, a grown man unabashedly crying in front of you, and me with my guttural sobs because my heart was literally torn out.  It killed the three of us that you wouldn't even look, let alone say anything.  That you could walk right by us when for the last seven weeks we had done nothing but love you...and try and be as good to you as we could. 

Darby is our daughter.  We have NEVER been happier as a family, or as a married couple, than we were those six days.  We celebrated everything...seriously every time she burped after being fed we'd cheer her on.  Every moment of every day and night we were blessed.  She was magic to all three of us...our family was complete and we felt like the luckiest people in the world to have this little girl.  We had so many dreams for her. 

Now we have reminders all over our house that we have lost our daughter, our dream come true.  Sean cried on Saturday morning when he realized he slept through most of the night before.  He doesn't want to sleep, he wants to be sleep deprived with his hungry daughter in his arms needing him.  Mac wanted to wear his "Darby's Big Brother" t-shirt to school today.  He keeps talking about how much he misses her.  As for me, I cry...I bury my face in her dirty laundry because it smells like her...I honestly don't know how I'll ever wash it.  Her stuffed Easter bucket sits tucked away in her room, her Easter dress, her name on the wall, all the cards from our friends and family.  It KILLS me now.

The packet came from the adoption agency with the report from Kelly.  We read through it all this morning & it lists the reasons you were placing your daughter for adoption...here they are quoted...

"Roxana gave the following reasons for wanting to place her daughter for adoption:

1. I am not financially stable

2. Adoption is the best option for my baby

3. I am giving a gift to the adoptive couple

4. I am not in a place in my life where I can raise a child right now

5. I want to finish school and pursue my career"

Those are amazing reasons, such good reasons, and they are all as true today as the day you first said them, and honestly they will remain true forever.  I just worry that you haven't truly thought of any of these reasons you gave.  I worry about you are going to raise a daughter.  I worry about how your mom will have to take care of you both. I worry that this little girl had PARENTS that were ready to give her every last thing she needed in her life, her entire life...Sean and I are sure, we have no uncertainties that we want this baby, we can provide what this baby needs.  So when I hear from Mary that you're not sure and want to see if we would want Darby back...I'm beyond grateful that you're really thinking about this, but it tortures me when she is my heart's deepest desire, no questions asked.   

Roxana, I love you.  I want the world for you too.  I want God's will to be done no matter what it is.  I want my Darby Jane and your Korie Jade to have everything she so richly deserves. 

I hope and pray you've read this.  It's not about changing your mind...it's about the fact that I'm a mother who has lost her daughter and I needed you to know how I am feeling.  You were a mother who was placing her daughter with a family for five excellent, life altering reasons...you had those steadfast practicalities to fall back on for reassurance.  I have nothing to fall back on, and that is why I needed to write this to you.

We're praying for you Roxana, and for our Darby.  We have hundreds of people saying prayers for you too.  Please follow your heart AND your head.  I would really like to hear your thoughts...I just want to understand.

Love,

Nora

Isn't it ironic?

The mail showed up today...granted that's not so ironic...that's usually one of my favorite times of day.

Today we received Darby J. Griffin's insurance card and the paperwork from the adoption.  The report from the social worker and Roxana's medical history.  So, the report lists the reasons for placement and I quote,

"Roxana gave the following reasons for wanting to place her daughter for adoption:

1. I am not financially stable

2. Adoption is the best option for my baby

3. I am giving a gift to the adoptive couple

4. I am not in a place in my life where I can raise a child right now

5. I want to finish school and pursue my career"

Ah the irony of our current heartbreak...because it's not like at this very moment those five statements don't ring as true as when she said them.  Is it bad that I WOULD love for her to see these?

It's not going to happen...

say it with me because it's unfortunately true.  I guess we're still "waiting" but all we're waiting for is me having to pick up the phone in a couple of days to track down the fact that she's keeping the baby, despite her doubts...and no one will have wanted to be the one to call and break our hearts all over again.  Thinking anything else is terribly unrealistic.

So we move along, day three, more flowers get delivered as I type this.  We stay in bed all morning and now we'll try to pull together the pieces of today.  Disneyland for a few hours is going to be our attempt...we'll have to block out all the little babies and focus on our enthusiastic nine-year-old.  I couldn't get through a freaking trip to Target last night, so this should be interesting.  Although I am looking forward to the Broccoli Cheese soup in the sourdough bread bowl at California Adventure...it's the little things right? 

My sense of humor is kind of coming back, yesterday's Cabbage Patch Kid commercial on television illicited my thoughts on if their birth mother's ever take them back...but then again they came out a cabbage, right?  Who needs domestic adoption...we need some freaking cabbage...much safer.

Then this morning I was on-line looking again at Irish baby names.  One of the myriad of mournful losses is just the name Darby Jane...I LOVED it, loved saying it, loved thinking it, loved writing it, and most of all love, love loved the little girl who we named Darby Jane.  I hate that all of that is gone now.  Though this morning I really think I found one little girl name that strikes me...I don't want to really share it right now, but I'll say this...when I admitted to my mom I was looking (which she wholeheartedly supported for my sake) and told her my thoughts for a new name she said she really like it, but it sounded like, "Merrily we roll along"...

as I said to her, "Yeah, but that's what we have to do now right?".

Thanks again for all your thoughts and e-mails...it's our friends and the fact we believe this has to have happened for a reason that's getting us through.

Such a mix...

of depression and comfort...swinging back and forth still...it'll be okay...oh my God I can't handle this...back and forth. 

Trying to count my blessings, like these flowers...you know what the most amazing part of these flowers are?  They're from Laura...and I don't know which one.  Laura my best friend?  Laura my kind-hearted neighbor?  Laura who is a fellow Orange County scrapbooking friend?  I realized I have three Laura's...and dozens upon dozens of other people trying to will me through this with their thoughts and prayers and kind actions.  How could you be more fortunate?

Yet, then I'm empty...just dragging right now.  Trying not to think of this situation, trying not to hope, trying to just get through today.  Trying to stay busy...taking the ultrasound photos down off the fridge, putting all the bottles away in the nursery so we won't see them every time we open a kitchen cabinet....only to see her Pottery Barn Easter bucket sitting there with her name on it and stuffed with toys. 

You know what the worst part of all this is?  That it's just going to get worse.  It's not like I can suffer for a few days and then see the light at the tunnel.  I'm not even at the tunnel yet...I'm still in disbelief that there really is a tunnel before me.  That this really is happening.

I hate that since yesterday's phone call I'm just waiting for the phone to ring again...I just want to scream, "Just make up your fucking mind!", but that's not fair to Roxana...but honestly what she did to us and now what her indecision is doing to us is not fair.  We have no doubts about our daughter but now we have to deal with fact that she took her and now isn't quite sure, maybe...but then she'll keep her...and that'll make us feel good because we won't even have the thought of, "Well, she really wanted her" to fall back on...now it's "Well, hopefully she really wanted her".  Yet, we'll never know.

I am not doing good today.  I hate that I have nothing to look forward to, but more pain.  Yes, there's life beyond it...I've received 100's of reassuring messages about that which I'm really grateful for...but right now and for as long as I can see before me this is my life.

Oh you guys...

every freaking last word...thank you...I need them all...I'm going to continue to need them all.  I feel you concern, sorrow & your tears...it feels so much better to know I'm not alone.

So, today...up...down...up...down.  The lowest is sobbing with a onsie that smelled like Darby.  The best I can do it right now...and it's such a damn shame I have to just wait around for another inevitable low.  I fear it'll be in the middle of the night, listening for Darby breathing and knowing she's an hour away with someone else.  But, then I can get up if I need to in come into the computer and read what you've wrote and pour my heart out once again.

My new plight is working with the adoption agency and the shelter to try and put more thought into what families like us and birth-mom's like Roxana need.  Both before to prevent this and after to help this.  For instance yesterday the agency wanted to pick Darby up and take her back to Roxana.  I'm so glad they relented to my insistence that WE were doing this.  That our hearts couldn't afford the mystery of not seeing it before our very eyes...the closure...the finality.  I think they need to keep that in mind for future families, granted God willing we're the last ones to ever go through this, but we all know that's an impossibility.  As for Roxana she didn't get the help she needed and when they tried it was too late and she shut them out.  She went to the place of an irrational, heartbroken mother.  Where as earlier in the week she was a rational heartbroken mother.  She ceased thought of what was the place of most security and opportunity for her child and just needed to have the pain taken away.  You can't fault her for that.  She needed help, she still needs help and we need to figure out a way for birth-mom's like her to get it.

Honestly, I shouldn't say anything but, one of the directors at the shelter called a little while ago and said, with no misgivings of false hope, that Roxana is considering not doing this.  PLEASE don't tell me how great that is or how you'll pray for that or anything of the sort. I CANNOT HAVE FALSE HOPE.  Just keep your thoughts to yourself on this for my sake.  The only place that hope is going to get me is this place all over again.  It's the easier place to go right now...all the dreams of a possible reunion...BUT I CAN'T.  If I stay committed to working through my grief and the true realization of our situation I can be a few days ahead in the world instead of starting all over again when she changes her mind.  She wanted to know if we would take the baby back and I said yes, but she has to realize that we can't trust her and we CANNOT do this unless it is completely done.  Signed, sealed and done.  We have to protect our family at this point and we've had all we can take.

I just want to thank you all again...and again...and again.  I feel so blessed in all of this, I really do.  I know I need to heal myself and my family, but just knowing that you're thinking of us and what our future holds means more than I can ever find words for.

   

I can't stand it...

I went to bed with a pounding migraine and dry heaving.  I wouldn't let poor Sean move away from his spot on the floor next to until I fell asleep...not that he would anyway, he's always so good about taking care of me, even now when he needs to be taken care of himself.  Think in this situation this poor man was finally "dad".  Tomorrow I still get to be mom, but he goes back to being "Seany", he cherishes being Seany, but his dream of "dad" was only alive for six days.  If you could have heard him screaming and crying in the garage after we found out, just screaming, guttural sobs since his heart was being ripped away from him.  Laying on the floor in our garage unable to get up. Yet then he did and he was strong and he unabashedly sobbed in a room full of women...if front of the girl who was taking away his little girl, the girl that was supposed to call him, "Dad".  I have never loved him more than this night.  God blessed me with him, and he continues to over and over.

But now it's the middle of the night and I have to sit here wide awake with my mind flying.  My headache is gone, yet it sits there threatening, like if I cry too much it'll come back, or if I don't cry it'll come back, or if I can't stop all these thoughts in my head it'll come back.  So here I am getting out thoughts.  So many friends told me I could call them any hour, well with this blog I am calling you at this hour.  I get to say it...because I NEED to say it.  I'm sorry to drag you all through this with me.  All your words and caring means the world to me, but I need you to read my heartbreak and tell me it'll be okay...because I don't know how it will be.  I need you to believe for me until I can find some belief. 

All I have right now now is emptiness and tears and overwhelming waves of realization...all the dreams we lost.  The fact we don't have a daughter to raise with my friend's who had a baby last month or my friends from high school who is due any day.  They HAVE their babies, we don't.  We're THAT fucking couple again.  You know the infertile one, who tried adoption but just had their hearts ripped out.  Who had every dream come true, just to have them destroyed. 

I sent out the birth announcements yesterday morning...yesterday now...it all happened yesterday.  Now what do we do, some people will know because we have a friend or family member that will tell them, but what about the others?  The others who will be happy for us and unless we explain now they'll be wondering where Darby Jane is in next year's Christmas pictures.  I guess tomorrow we'll just print some postcards to amend our story and we'll mail them out quickly so no one misunderstands and asks.

I have a closet full of clothes, for our little girl, for the sizes she'll be in the summer.  I have an Easter dress, and an filled Easter bucket with her name on it.  Her pacifier is laying downstairs on the counter.  the last bottle she drank is on the kitchen table.  Sean fed her like he has so many times this week and we celebrated every burp again, only to have to give her up.  She'll never know us, she'll never know that there were three people that loved her more than anything and dozens of people that cared so much for her family.

I think I understand now why people drink or turn to drugs or just want to be numb....who the hell wants to feel this?  Earlier tonight I just wanted to have the splitting pain in my head taken away, but for the first time I thought of wanting to just be gone and not have to feel any pain.  The problem with this pain is it's not going away tonight, or tomorrow, or next week, or next month and maybe not even next year.  I asked my mom to explain what do we do now.  She told us about the steps of the grieving process, disbelief, anger, bargaining, some other crap that doesn't sound like fun...I told her I've already felt them all twice tonight...not the way it works unfortunately.  Thank God for having my mom...she's not just a comfort, she KNOWS...she's an amazing psychologist despite any issues we have had as mother and daughter...she has the tools we need to get through this and she knows how to keep us on track.  I guess I want to make sure I heal from this as best I can, and Sean and Mac.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?  I'm going to be fucking superwoman after all of this. 

I can't think of what else to say right now.  I just want to try and get it all out...out of mind so I can close my eyes and sleep before the morning...not just run over this in my head and that in my head.  Not thinking of the feeling of Roxana actually taking her out of my arms, my eyes were closed so all I could do is feel it, her tug at my baby.  I don't want to have to think of her sitting on that couch, with her hair fixed beautifully, her acrylic nails that I paid for her to have to help her feel better a couple of weeks ago when they wouldn't induce her.  It's going to torture me that I trusted her.  It's going to torture me that I gave her that much love only for her to treat us the way she did tonight.  It's going to torture me that if someone in some office somewhere had just filed the paperwork sitting on their desk since Wednesday, I still have my little girl.  It's going torture me to think why doesn't the adoption agency overnight the paperwork.  So many things are going to TORTURE me.

Please be here with me, please read my words and just be my friend.  So many have you have been so good to us, so happy for us, so many kind words.  I'm going to be one depressing thought after another right now and I know that's no fun to read.  I'd much rather go to Ali Edwards blog too, she always has something inspiring to say.  Seriously.  I just have found so much comfort in your effort in these last few hours.  Even saying that you "don't what to say" means you care enough to say something.  I need that now and I'll need it in the coming months.  Talk about a rollercoaster, it seems as if I'm a new ride now and there's nothing exhilarating about it, just terror, just upside down and back up again and I just can't wait till it slams to a halt and I can get up and walk away with shaky legs and an upset stomach. 

I have to find a future for myself, a different future.  It feels like nothing will bring me joy again, what's the point?  I've lost dream of my family and I can't begin to imagine it growing again any other way than Darby Jane back in our home, in our arms.  She was perfect, even with the not sleeping the first couple of nights...she wouldn't cry unless she needed something.  She started to have her eyes open more and more.  She was just so cute, so heartwrenchingly adorable.  She'll haunt me now, she be the standard that anything else will be held up against.  I'm afraid she'll be all I can ever love.  I was taking pictures of her when they called to start this nightmare.  What do I do with them now?  Delete them, put them on the computer with the hundreds of others that I don't what to do with now?  Just wait?

It feels like there's so much to shelter myself from now.  Friends who have babies, blogs of everyone who just had a baby or are pregnant...God I loved reading those...because I was right there with them and now they're going to pass me by...they have their children and I have lost my baby...my chance to be a new mom all over again.

I guess those are my last thoughts for now.  Thank you for reading them...thank you for everything.

It's done...

We took Darby back to the agency.  She's gone.  Roxana wouldn't look at us or say anything.  She just sat there.  She took the baby out of my arms because I couldn't bear to hand her over.  While we sobbed hysterically she tried to change her diaper with a paper towel and didn't think to support her head as she picked her up.  She wouldn't even say, "I'm sorry".  It was apparent that she didn't give a damn about us.  I know the three of us crying was a lot to take in, but she DID not care to show us anything.  Regardless of being a teenager, or suffering, or scared...she was just cold.

I'm dead inside, just dead...Sean and I take turns not being able to do this...right now he's being the strong one going around the house and packing stuff up.  I just sit here numb, with my head pounding, not wanting to wake up tomorrow and have to deal with this all over again. 

Mac is with my mom and her best friend, getting dinner and doing division homework.  I've canceled his big brother shower, he never even knew.  This poor child has lost yet another sibling...I hate that he has to go through this with us.

I miss her desperately, I keep playing mind games with myself that Roxana will realize she can't do it and bring her back.  It won't happen because she has adults all around her that will just take care of the baby.

Thanks for your support, we need every prayer in the book.  We are blessed to have each other, but we have lost so much today.  Our dream is gone, our little girl...our little girl.

Roxana wants her back

and she can take her...the paperwork hasn't filed yet...it will tomorrow...she can take her back today and she wants to...PLEASE pray that we don't lose our little girl...please pray hard...we can't do this...I can't do this...please pray this won't happen...we know Roxana's in pain and we want her to heal but this is our daughter...our dream come true...please pray for us

A little more caught up...

So swaddling...good stuff.  We got her all bundled up and she slept from 11:30pm till 3am...husband of the year Sean was up with her for an hour and then she slept till 7am.  That's improvement.  Sean and I slept in until 10am and then took another hour long nap later in the afternoon.  Sleeping day was very successful.

Now tomorrow will need to be clean up the clutter day.  Oh this poor house has stuff everywhere...a burp rag here and pink hat there. :)

Last night Sean surprised me with a gift to celebrate Darby's arrival...

Isn't it pretty?  They're pink garnets.  I had seen this ring when I was picking out Roxana's necklace.  I just love it...a perfect gift for me to commemorate our little bundle of pink...

The next fun and excitement in the Griffin Household is Mac's big brother shower on Friday after-school.  It's a complete surprise, he has NO idea.  I thought of this months ago and have planned it all in the weeks before Darby's arrival.  Sean and I are going to be picking him up from school with four of his friends (one Madi, and three Hailey's--all spelled differently).  They'll come back to our house for a couple hours.  We'll be decorating onsies with fabric markers for Mac's little sister, playing the baby food guessing game, and having a wet diaper toss.  Then we'll finish it up with a cake and some party favors.  I am so excited to see his face when he finds out. 

I've declared tomorrow...

sleeping day.  Mac went to Bryce's tonight so he won't need to be put on the bus or picked up from school tomorrow so Sean and I are officially on Darby's schedule.  The last couple of days we haven't be able to follow the whole, "sleep when she sleeps" plan...just too much to do like errands, stuff around the house and division problems (Mac's homework has started to be brutal lately).  Tomorrow we'll be lazy.  As much as I can stand to be anyway...either way we will definitely take the time to sleep more.

Roxana and I have been e-mailing back and forth several times a day.  She's doing pretty well, but she said tonight she never knew how much she would love and miss her.  My heart just broke for her.  I told how I understood, that when I lost Griffin I really was okay because I was still pregnant, had never had children, and didn't truly know yet what I had lost.  I told her the motherhood is an amazingly powerful thing and the she had done one of the ultimate acts of motherhood.  If you get chance please think of her and pray for her...our happiness is because of her astounding gift...I can't bear the fact she has to suffer so much in order to have given us our sweet little girl.

Speaking of that little girl, she's freshly bathed and has a full stomach so off to bed we go.

First days at home...

Here's some photos from our first days at home.  Everything went well leaving the hospital and Roxana and I have already been busy e-mailing each other.

Miss Darby is so very sweet and so far only cries when she needs something.  The only thing is she's has got daytime and nighttime fairly confused.  With about six hours of sleep in the last couple of days, I'm really hoping we get this straightened out sooner than later.  Any hints with that are welcome at this point.  Tomorrow & especially Wednesday we're going to try and capitalize on a good nap for us when she's asleep during the day...if we can.

So, photos...

Coming home from the hospital...

Hanging out in her bouncy chair...

First bath this morning...

Her very happy mom who had forgotten how much she LOVES giving baby baths...

One of the runners-up from our attempt to get a photo for her birth announcements...

Meeting big brother McIntosh finally this afternoon when he got home from school...

Mac holding her for the first time...

So can I just tell you how much I love her?  Truthfully I was pretty worried...it took several weeks for me to feel any overwhelming maternal bond with Mac...in retrospect never getting to hold him because he was full of tubes in an incubator didn't give me much of a chance...yet I was worried that it was me & not those circumstances...this time around I don't have biology on my side so I doubted myself.  Granted in the hospital it felt like we got to see Roxana's daughter, but once we got her home she became my daughter, our daughter. 

Now if I can only get my daughter to learn day from night we'll be ALL set. :)

Here she is...

After heading to the hospital at 10am this morning (or I guess yesterday now that it's the middle of the night) Darby Jane was born at 7:41pm.  She weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces and was 18 inches long.  Roxana did an amazing job delivering her and she's recovering really well.

Darby is so very sweet and cute.  This photo doesn't really do her justice...it's from a couple of hours ago, right after she had her first bath.

If all goes as planned we should be headed home with her sometime tomorrow.

Off to bed...my last chance to sleep. :)

EDT at 9:30am 

I couldn't sleep this morning...it was like Christmas morning on crack...just had to get up and start calling a few friends.  I also answered e-mails and figured out that Amanda had the best guess, less than an hour off, with March 10th at 8:30pm.  So Amanda I need your address. :)

We'll head back to the hospital early this afternoon.  We want to give Roxana the morning to spend with her.  I just can't wait to see Darby again...gotta make sure last night wasn't a dream. :)  Then we need to sign papers and say goodbye...I can't bear to think of not taking Roxana to a doctor's appointment next week and laughing together as we head out to lunch.  Even though I know we're going to stay in touch, it's going to be so very hard to say goodbye to her today.

Last call for the To-do list...

This is the last birthday present I needed to get ready to give in the next two months.  It is for our friend whose 30th birthday party is at our house this Saturday night. I had sooo much fun making this little house...really hoping she likes it.

So, on to more important things...

We had the NST and ultrasound late this morning and the nurse Yvonne, who just happens to have a thick Irish brogue, scheduled an induction for Roxana.  All I have to say is God bless Yvonne!

It'll be 7am on Sunday.  As for the guessing game it's still on because Roxana could still go into labor on her own before the induction or we might get to the hospital early that morning only to be sent home by the same OBGYN that saw us last Thursday...I wouldn't put it past those people at this point.

Hopefully the end is really almost here...I better finish up my last few to-do's... actually had all the others done and then came up with more ideas to keep busy. :)

The plan for this weekend is to go to the movies and dinner with Roxana tomorrow.  On Saturday go to Mac's baseball game in the morning, have lunch & go on to the Rubber Stamp Convention in Carson for some quick stamp shopping and then home to have the party at our house that night.

So, surely with all those plans she will go into labor sometime tonight, right? :)

In honor of Darby Jane's due date...

and so I have something more to say today besides, "No baby yet".  I am officially going to have the whole guess the day/time/weight stats of Darby's birth contest. (as suggested by Karen Wilson)

I picked up a little brand spanking new KI at Scrapbook Oasis tonight and it'll be sent off to the winner...I'll get it packaged up tonight so all I have to do is address it after she's born.

So here is the following information to help you make your guess...

March 8th was the estimated due date

The doctor's are saying she could be anywhere from 38 to 42 weeks

As of yesterday Roxana was dilated to 3.5 almost 4cm.  Membranes were stripped yesterday and will be again tomorrow.

The nurse said yesterday that her placenta wasn't showing any signs of age (apparently it'll start to calcify if/when the baby is past due)

Roxana is all of 4'11" and weighted 100 pounds before she got pregnant...she now weighs 152lbs (which is still less than me and I am not 9+ months pregnant)

The baby was 6.2 pounds at the February 2nd ultrasound...the nurse said yesterday she looks average.

So, hopefully you all are up for this little game.  Let the guessing begin. :)

I'm running out of titles...

since I just have the same thing to report again.  No Darby sightings. 

Today's NST went well, amniotic fluid is still plentiful, dilated to 3.5cm now and Roxana had her membranes stripped for the first time.  The girl barely flinched...meanwhile I was dying.  I HATE the she has to be in pain.  I wish they could just put me up in strirrups and rip into me too...I feel SO freaking guilty just sitting there.

Other than Baby Watch there really isn't that much excitement around here...just keeping busy between NSTs and doctor's appointments.  Next visits are on Thursday, so I might know more then...thanks for hanging in there with me. :)

See you tomorrow...

that's what we said when we were leaving the non-stress-test department today.  Darby's heartbeat was great and somehow, someway the amniotic fluid more than doubled from yesterday's amount.

Roxana's really hanging in there...still has a good sense of humor and a pretty good attitude...can I say once again how lucky we are to have her as our birth mom? 

Next appointment 11:30am tomorrow...

What's it going to take?

I'd say at this point the hospital's plan is to wait until Roxana is dilated to 10cm, and the baby's crowning...maybe she could just catch the baby herself on her way in the door and save them the trouble.

The shelter just called a little while ago to ask me to take her to another NST today...she has one scheduled for tomorrow, but apparently yesterday's showed a lower amniotic fluid level...they also took the time to discover she's now 3cm dilated.  Yet, the won't just induce her...you know the whole possible 37.5 week "preemie" issue...the baby might have "complications" from it.

I will go and smile today and dicuss options calmly...I'll try not to alienate anyone in the hospital with my frustration...oh boy though would I loooove to give them a piece of my mind...

Making plans...

Last night at dinner my mom predicted Darby's birth today at 6pm since her three kids were born on Sundays at 12pm, 2pm, and 4pm (I was the 2pm timeslot).  I brought up that Mac was born on a Monday so maybe that's the day for my children.  Either way no baby yet...

I asked Sean this morning if he wanted to go to the movies next Friday night to see Failure to Launch...he looked at me like I was nuts--of course we have Darby by then, right?  I'm not going to count on it. 

However I did make arrangements for the dinner party that's supposed to be at our house next Saturday.  It's a surprise 30th birthday party for a friend that we offered to have here, not "host" it since we thought we might have a newborn everyone else was going to do the food, decorations and clean-up...all we would have to do is open the front door and hang out with friends.  I figured now since there's a chance we might not be here for it I made plans for other friends to take care of our house while we missed the fun.

So, we've made plans either way...who knows if we'll be having a baby this week. :)

Relaxing...

After Thursday's stress we had some Friday relaxing.  I picked Roxana up for her non-stress-test, which went well...she'll have another one on Sunday. 

Then it was lunch at CPK, we got manicure and pedicures, came back to our house and made choclate chip cookies, she got a chance to check her e-mail for the first time since January, and we played Monopoly.  After all that I had plans to meet friends for dinner and Sean, Mac & Roxana went to Coldstone and then dropped her back off at the shelter.  It was so nice to just have a fun day.

This weekend we have nothing planned which feels great.  I'm being horrifically lazy and am still in bed, on the laptop, watching The Soup, and shamefully having chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. :)

I need to get my big butt up and exercise...or just go sit outside on the front porch since Sean and Mac are out there and it's SUCH a beautiful day...might as well keep relaxing...

 

Third time...

is soooo not the charm.  We had a horrible day.  A stressful, no good, heartbreaking day.  In the end the baby is fine and technically Roxana is fine.  I'll do my best to share, but to be honest I'm just exhausted from this. 

We had the midwife appointment this morning...dilated and effaced about the same...but she decided to send us to the hospital since Roxana was reporting decreased fetal movement over the last couple of days.

We get to the hospital for the third time...totally at ease and joking around...just going to get the baby monitored and go have lunch at CPK. The nurse struggled to find the heartbeat so she brought in the ultrasound machine...I had a momentary silent panic within myself, but then her heartbeat was right there in front of us...it's all good...except amniotic fluid is looking a little low.  Midwife comes in and decides that the fluid is borderline and since she's 39 weeks we'll go ahead and induce.  We'll have the baby...we were in disbelief...both nervous but happy...calling the people that needed to be called...get settled in labor and delivery...get an IV started.  Then the OBGYN comes in and expresses her concern that Roxana's due date is so up in the air since there is no last menstrual period to go off of and no early-on ultrasound to get definitive dates.  Technically it could be anywhere from 37 weeks to 41.  She re-checked the fluid and said it really looked normal and she couldn't see a reason to take the chance of possibly delivering a 37 week baby.

Looooong story short she sent us home.  Roxana was done...sobbing done...she had to ride the worst of emotional roller-coasters today and for Christ's sake the poor girl is 17...17 and away from home, from her mom, from her life.  She's been such a trooper but enough is enough. 

It came down to liability...what would happen if they induced the delivery and there was some complication in the nursery...the doctor wouldn't have good reason to give an interrogating lawyer as to why she induced Roxana.  Maybe my 2-pound, 10 week early son has me jaded as to the world of premature babies, but last time I checked 37 is no big deal.

So, clearly I'm upset.  I just couldn't stand to see this girl so beside herself...and it was so hard to try to reason with the doctor...I understand her point...I see both sides of this clearly...I'm whole heartily invested in both sides...but in my heart of hearts I know Darby was safe and fine and Roxana was not and I couldn't brainstorm anything to do to make it better.

I did get to meet her mom today...and her mom's best friend who conveniently is a Douala.  What wonderful, dear women...these are just people I want to know forever.  Her mom and I just hugged each other in tears...I just want her to know how much I love her daughter.

I called a little bit ago to check on Roxana and apparently her mom and Asela (the Douala) took her back to the hospital to check again since Roxana's had some bleeding...no real surprise having had three cervical checks earlier today.  They, of course, are being sent back home, but I'm glad Roxana got another chance to see if the baby's okay and a chance for Asela to try and convince the hospital.

Unbelievably enough I have so much more to say...peppered with frustration-induced expletives...but I'll leave it at this for now.

If you have any prayers for Roxana she needs them tonight.  Please pray she has some comfort and rest.  We have a non-stress-test tomorrow at 1pm...the, now excruciating, waiting game continues...

We have a new...

computer.  Sorry, I'm such a shit, I couldn't resist that one.  It would be much more fun to be announcing a new baby as opposed to shiny electronics (seriously the CPU glows in the dark...very freaky space age) I'm just getting getting punchy since there is no baby yet.  Granted we're officially one week away from her official due date, so I should be patient...ha ha. 

We actually did get a new computer.  Sean's grandfather builds them as a hobby so we had him build us an updated one since our desktop was four years old.  So, we've had the inevitable growing pains today trying to get everything running smoothly...still not quite there. 

Other than that I've just been little miss productive...getting other various gifts we'll need to give in the next couple of months...even getting them wrapped and packaged to ship.  I made this little card to go with Bailey's birthday gifts since she has her first birthday next month.  Funny to think she's my sister and I've never seen her in person.  (The sarcastic bitch in me is thinking, "Wow...I haven't seen ANY of my sisters in the last year"--I AM getting punchy--and cussing too much, sorry).  It's also weird to think that it's been close to a year from my dad calling me to say she was born and now any day I'll be calling him to announce the birth of his granddaughter who'll be 11 months younger than his daughter.  Gotta love the modern day nuclear family.

Roxana has a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully I'll have some dilation and effacement fun & excitement to share then.