Just Make Stuff

It's over...

Roxana took Darby back today.  The ride is over.  We're heartbroken all over again, but we did a decent job of protecting ourselves from truly believing this would all work out.

Now we're lost...completely lost.  No future plans...not much hope.  We know it'll come, but right now...well, it's just right now.

Thank you again for every last hope and prayer on behalf of my little family.  We needed every last one to get through this time.

On to the next chapter...let's hope it's a good one...

It gets worse...

I have been called by the adoption agency just over an hour ago.  Roxana has placed Darby in foster care for a week while she thinks it over.  Three families in this poor baby's first 11 days of life.  Now, not even her birth mom has her.  I don't even know how to process that at this point.

I still have little to no hope that we will get our daughter back.  I honestly don't feel Roxana has the support system in place to get through this week and when she misses her daughter she will wait till next Tuesday to get her back. 

A week seems like a life sentence to me...hell, this all happened just five days ago and it's already been an eternity and a half on our hearts.

I'm calling you to pray again.  This baby, our daughter, Roxana's daughter needs your prayers.  As does Roxana since she has such a tortuous week ahead too.  Thank you.

Thank you...

for all of your feedback and most of all for your support, regardless of your thoughts.  I sent it earlier this evening.  I knew I could live with sending it, regardless of the outcome because that's not my motivation.  I would have always regretted not sending it because it I wouldn't be true to myself if I weren't forthright about my feelings.

One more day done...goodnight.

Everything I can do...

It occurred to me when I woke up this morning that I haven't tried.  It's not about trying to get my daughter back, but I haven't tried to express myself to the people that I really need to hear it.  Roxana's mom gets back from Mexico tonight and I feel I should talk to her...to understand...to hear her words, whatever they may be...to make sure she knows how I'm feeling.  I've been thinking of calling her all day since I have her cell phone number on my phone from Roxana's many calls to her.  I don't want to argue or push my cause, but I need more information to gain serious closure.  I also need to know I have done EVERYTHING I could...and being quiet is not part of that.

After my post this morning I decided to compose an e-mail to Roxana.  I assuming when she gets home tomorrow she will check her e-mail since that seems to be an important part of her life.  I wrote it, read it, had Sean read it, revised it a little, read it again and had Sean read it again...but I haven't pressed the send button.  I just wanted you to read it so I have reassurance that my message is being conveyed properly..that I need her to hear my thoughts, REGARDLESS of her final decision.  I know in my heart this won't make a difference, well a difference to anyone but me and that just has to be important right now.  Yes, this baby is her daughter, but she was my daughter too and I feel as if I have the right to express myself.  Please be honest with me...I just want to know I've carefully examined what I'm doing.

Dear Roxana...

I have sat through the weekend at the mercy of the phone ringing and when I woke up this morning something hit me.  I NEED to talk to you. 

Weeks ago when you picked Sean and I to be Darby's parents you said that you liked that we were honest.  You are right, we are, and I honestly wouldn't be me if I didn't communicate, if I just kept all these thoughts and emotions inside myself.  Granted I can talk to Sean, my family or friends...and trust me I have...it's the only thing barely getting me through right now...but you need to hear what I'm saying...I NEED you to hear what I'm saying.

I'm not angry, but I am devastated.  Our entire family is devastated.  You saw that on Thursday night and you ignored it.  I'm sure it was a lot to take in, the tears of a little boy losing his sister, a grown man unabashedly crying in front of you, and me with my guttural sobs because my heart was literally torn out.  It killed the three of us that you wouldn't even look, let alone say anything.  That you could walk right by us when for the last seven weeks we had done nothing but love you...and try and be as good to you as we could. 

Darby is our daughter.  We have NEVER been happier as a family, or as a married couple, than we were those six days.  We celebrated everything...seriously every time she burped after being fed we'd cheer her on.  Every moment of every day and night we were blessed.  She was magic to all three of us...our family was complete and we felt like the luckiest people in the world to have this little girl.  We had so many dreams for her. 

Now we have reminders all over our house that we have lost our daughter, our dream come true.  Sean cried on Saturday morning when he realized he slept through most of the night before.  He doesn't want to sleep, he wants to be sleep deprived with his hungry daughter in his arms needing him.  Mac wanted to wear his "Darby's Big Brother" t-shirt to school today.  He keeps talking about how much he misses her.  As for me, I cry...I bury my face in her dirty laundry because it smells like her...I honestly don't know how I'll ever wash it.  Her stuffed Easter bucket sits tucked away in her room, her Easter dress, her name on the wall, all the cards from our friends and family.  It KILLS me now.

The packet came from the adoption agency with the report from Kelly.  We read through it all this morning & it lists the reasons you were placing your daughter for adoption...here they are quoted...

"Roxana gave the following reasons for wanting to place her daughter for adoption:

1. I am not financially stable

2. Adoption is the best option for my baby

3. I am giving a gift to the adoptive couple

4. I am not in a place in my life where I can raise a child right now

5. I want to finish school and pursue my career"

Those are amazing reasons, such good reasons, and they are all as true today as the day you first said them, and honestly they will remain true forever.  I just worry that you haven't truly thought of any of these reasons you gave.  I worry about you are going to raise a daughter.  I worry about how your mom will have to take care of you both. I worry that this little girl had PARENTS that were ready to give her every last thing she needed in her life, her entire life...Sean and I are sure, we have no uncertainties that we want this baby, we can provide what this baby needs.  So when I hear from Mary that you're not sure and want to see if we would want Darby back...I'm beyond grateful that you're really thinking about this, but it tortures me when she is my heart's deepest desire, no questions asked.   

Roxana, I love you.  I want the world for you too.  I want God's will to be done no matter what it is.  I want my Darby Jane and your Korie Jade to have everything she so richly deserves. 

I hope and pray you've read this.  It's not about changing your mind...it's about the fact that I'm a mother who has lost her daughter and I needed you to know how I am feeling.  You were a mother who was placing her daughter with a family for five excellent, life altering reasons...you had those steadfast practicalities to fall back on for reassurance.  I have nothing to fall back on, and that is why I needed to write this to you.

We're praying for you Roxana, and for our Darby.  We have hundreds of people saying prayers for you too.  Please follow your heart AND your head.  I would really like to hear your thoughts...I just want to understand.

Love,

Nora

Isn't it ironic?

The mail showed up today...granted that's not so ironic...that's usually one of my favorite times of day.

Today we received Darby J. Griffin's insurance card and the paperwork from the adoption.  The report from the social worker and Roxana's medical history.  So, the report lists the reasons for placement and I quote,

"Roxana gave the following reasons for wanting to place her daughter for adoption:

1. I am not financially stable

2. Adoption is the best option for my baby

3. I am giving a gift to the adoptive couple

4. I am not in a place in my life where I can raise a child right now

5. I want to finish school and pursue my career"

Ah the irony of our current heartbreak...because it's not like at this very moment those five statements don't ring as true as when she said them.  Is it bad that I WOULD love for her to see these?

Oh you guys...

every freaking last word...thank you...I need them all...I'm going to continue to need them all.  I feel you concern, sorrow & your tears...it feels so much better to know I'm not alone.

So, today...up...down...up...down.  The lowest is sobbing with a onsie that smelled like Darby.  The best I can do it right now...and it's such a damn shame I have to just wait around for another inevitable low.  I fear it'll be in the middle of the night, listening for Darby breathing and knowing she's an hour away with someone else.  But, then I can get up if I need to in come into the computer and read what you've wrote and pour my heart out once again.

My new plight is working with the adoption agency and the shelter to try and put more thought into what families like us and birth-mom's like Roxana need.  Both before to prevent this and after to help this.  For instance yesterday the agency wanted to pick Darby up and take her back to Roxana.  I'm so glad they relented to my insistence that WE were doing this.  That our hearts couldn't afford the mystery of not seeing it before our very eyes...the closure...the finality.  I think they need to keep that in mind for future families, granted God willing we're the last ones to ever go through this, but we all know that's an impossibility.  As for Roxana she didn't get the help she needed and when they tried it was too late and she shut them out.  She went to the place of an irrational, heartbroken mother.  Where as earlier in the week she was a rational heartbroken mother.  She ceased thought of what was the place of most security and opportunity for her child and just needed to have the pain taken away.  You can't fault her for that.  She needed help, she still needs help and we need to figure out a way for birth-mom's like her to get it.

Honestly, I shouldn't say anything but, one of the directors at the shelter called a little while ago and said, with no misgivings of false hope, that Roxana is considering not doing this.  PLEASE don't tell me how great that is or how you'll pray for that or anything of the sort. I CANNOT HAVE FALSE HOPE.  Just keep your thoughts to yourself on this for my sake.  The only place that hope is going to get me is this place all over again.  It's the easier place to go right now...all the dreams of a possible reunion...BUT I CAN'T.  If I stay committed to working through my grief and the true realization of our situation I can be a few days ahead in the world instead of starting all over again when she changes her mind.  She wanted to know if we would take the baby back and I said yes, but she has to realize that we can't trust her and we CANNOT do this unless it is completely done.  Signed, sealed and done.  We have to protect our family at this point and we've had all we can take.

I just want to thank you all again...and again...and again.  I feel so blessed in all of this, I really do.  I know I need to heal myself and my family, but just knowing that you're thinking of us and what our future holds means more than I can ever find words for.

   

It's done...

We took Darby back to the agency.  She's gone.  Roxana wouldn't look at us or say anything.  She just sat there.  She took the baby out of my arms because I couldn't bear to hand her over.  While we sobbed hysterically she tried to change her diaper with a paper towel and didn't think to support her head as she picked her up.  She wouldn't even say, "I'm sorry".  It was apparent that she didn't give a damn about us.  I know the three of us crying was a lot to take in, but she DID not care to show us anything.  Regardless of being a teenager, or suffering, or scared...she was just cold.

I'm dead inside, just dead...Sean and I take turns not being able to do this...right now he's being the strong one going around the house and packing stuff up.  I just sit here numb, with my head pounding, not wanting to wake up tomorrow and have to deal with this all over again. 

Mac is with my mom and her best friend, getting dinner and doing division homework.  I've canceled his big brother shower, he never even knew.  This poor child has lost yet another sibling...I hate that he has to go through this with us.

I miss her desperately, I keep playing mind games with myself that Roxana will realize she can't do it and bring her back.  It won't happen because she has adults all around her that will just take care of the baby.

Thanks for your support, we need every prayer in the book.  We are blessed to have each other, but we have lost so much today.  Our dream is gone, our little girl...our little girl.

First days at home...

Here's some photos from our first days at home.  Everything went well leaving the hospital and Roxana and I have already been busy e-mailing each other.

Miss Darby is so very sweet and so far only cries when she needs something.  The only thing is she's has got daytime and nighttime fairly confused.  With about six hours of sleep in the last couple of days, I'm really hoping we get this straightened out sooner than later.  Any hints with that are welcome at this point.  Tomorrow & especially Wednesday we're going to try and capitalize on a good nap for us when she's asleep during the day...if we can.

So, photos...

Coming home from the hospital...

Hanging out in her bouncy chair...

First bath this morning...

Her very happy mom who had forgotten how much she LOVES giving baby baths...

One of the runners-up from our attempt to get a photo for her birth announcements...

Meeting big brother McIntosh finally this afternoon when he got home from school...

Mac holding her for the first time...

So can I just tell you how much I love her?  Truthfully I was pretty worried...it took several weeks for me to feel any overwhelming maternal bond with Mac...in retrospect never getting to hold him because he was full of tubes in an incubator didn't give me much of a chance...yet I was worried that it was me & not those circumstances...this time around I don't have biology on my side so I doubted myself.  Granted in the hospital it felt like we got to see Roxana's daughter, but once we got her home she became my daughter, our daughter. 

Now if I can only get my daughter to learn day from night we'll be ALL set. :)

See you tomorrow...

that's what we said when we were leaving the non-stress-test department today.  Darby's heartbeat was great and somehow, someway the amniotic fluid more than doubled from yesterday's amount.

Roxana's really hanging in there...still has a good sense of humor and a pretty good attitude...can I say once again how lucky we are to have her as our birth mom? 

Next appointment 11:30am tomorrow...

What's it going to take?

I'd say at this point the hospital's plan is to wait until Roxana is dilated to 10cm, and the baby's crowning...maybe she could just catch the baby herself on her way in the door and save them the trouble.

The shelter just called a little while ago to ask me to take her to another NST today...she has one scheduled for tomorrow, but apparently yesterday's showed a lower amniotic fluid level...they also took the time to discover she's now 3cm dilated.  Yet, the won't just induce her...you know the whole possible 37.5 week "preemie" issue...the baby might have "complications" from it.

I will go and smile today and dicuss options calmly...I'll try not to alienate anyone in the hospital with my frustration...oh boy though would I loooove to give them a piece of my mind...

Third time...

is soooo not the charm.  We had a horrible day.  A stressful, no good, heartbreaking day.  In the end the baby is fine and technically Roxana is fine.  I'll do my best to share, but to be honest I'm just exhausted from this. 

We had the midwife appointment this morning...dilated and effaced about the same...but she decided to send us to the hospital since Roxana was reporting decreased fetal movement over the last couple of days.

We get to the hospital for the third time...totally at ease and joking around...just going to get the baby monitored and go have lunch at CPK. The nurse struggled to find the heartbeat so she brought in the ultrasound machine...I had a momentary silent panic within myself, but then her heartbeat was right there in front of us...it's all good...except amniotic fluid is looking a little low.  Midwife comes in and decides that the fluid is borderline and since she's 39 weeks we'll go ahead and induce.  We'll have the baby...we were in disbelief...both nervous but happy...calling the people that needed to be called...get settled in labor and delivery...get an IV started.  Then the OBGYN comes in and expresses her concern that Roxana's due date is so up in the air since there is no last menstrual period to go off of and no early-on ultrasound to get definitive dates.  Technically it could be anywhere from 37 weeks to 41.  She re-checked the fluid and said it really looked normal and she couldn't see a reason to take the chance of possibly delivering a 37 week baby.

Looooong story short she sent us home.  Roxana was done...sobbing done...she had to ride the worst of emotional roller-coasters today and for Christ's sake the poor girl is 17...17 and away from home, from her mom, from her life.  She's been such a trooper but enough is enough. 

It came down to liability...what would happen if they induced the delivery and there was some complication in the nursery...the doctor wouldn't have good reason to give an interrogating lawyer as to why she induced Roxana.  Maybe my 2-pound, 10 week early son has me jaded as to the world of premature babies, but last time I checked 37 is no big deal.

So, clearly I'm upset.  I just couldn't stand to see this girl so beside herself...and it was so hard to try to reason with the doctor...I understand her point...I see both sides of this clearly...I'm whole heartily invested in both sides...but in my heart of hearts I know Darby was safe and fine and Roxana was not and I couldn't brainstorm anything to do to make it better.

I did get to meet her mom today...and her mom's best friend who conveniently is a Douala.  What wonderful, dear women...these are just people I want to know forever.  Her mom and I just hugged each other in tears...I just want her to know how much I love her daughter.

I called a little bit ago to check on Roxana and apparently her mom and Asela (the Douala) took her back to the hospital to check again since Roxana's had some bleeding...no real surprise having had three cervical checks earlier today.  They, of course, are being sent back home, but I'm glad Roxana got another chance to see if the baby's okay and a chance for Asela to try and convince the hospital.

Unbelievably enough I have so much more to say...peppered with frustration-induced expletives...but I'll leave it at this for now.

If you have any prayers for Roxana she needs them tonight.  Please pray she has some comfort and rest.  We have a non-stress-test tomorrow at 1pm...the, now excruciating, waiting game continues...

Okay, 3rd time has GOT to be the charm...

Guess where I went this morning?  After taking the world's fastest shower and driving like a maniac?

the hospital

Guess where we got sent home from...AGAIN...with false labor?

the hospital

Poor Roxana...she's SO very done.  The exam today had her in so much pain that she was crying...I had the HARDEST time with that...I would give anything to labor for her...I can't stand the thought that she has to go through this. 

I keep telling her the third time has GOT be the charm.  The kind midwives eagerly assured her that this happens to so many women and that she wouldn't be pregnant forever.

Anyways...she's still 60% effaced and now she's 1.5 cm dilated. 

Baby Watch continues...

Endlessly ready...

Working on the birth announcements while we wait.  I ordered a little "Griffin Family" address stamp with all family members accounted for. :) The diaper bag, camera, and formula (just in case there's a problem at the hospital) are waiting by the door. 

Other than that just having a little family drama to keep life interesting...my mom was pretty taken aback by our plans for a "family" baby shower when I called her last night about the guest list.  She's not sure if her/our family friends would want to come to a "young couples" shower.  Then, out of the blue, my sister calls this morning...haven't really talked to her in a year beyond birthday and Christmas phone call formalities.  She just wanted to congratulate us on the baby and ask a few questions (for example, "So, uh, what kind of baby is this?").  She told me she'd be happy to sit down with me at some point and talk things out.  Dumbfounded, I managed to answer, "Thanks for offering, but I don't really know what there is to talk about".  Well, you can only imagine how well that went over.  I was met with, "Okay, well goodbye."  Not quite sure if I could have answered her any better...I guess I could have tried, "No chance in hell I want to talk to you for a minute more than I have to" or "Actually I've had enough drama, lying, back-stabbing and criticism, thanks though."  Oh well, what can you do?

I will just keep getting endlessly ready...

But we were sent home...

So, I settled into bed last night around 11:30pm and the phone rang.  It was the shelter, Roxana's contractions had been five minutes apart for over an hour.  After double checking that we had the packed diaper bag and the camera and the camera and the diaper bag... we were off to take her to the hospital. 

Turns out it was a false alarm...still just dilated to 1cm.  We were sent home at about 1:30am.  It was a good practice run though...might take the edge off.  Did you know my teeth chatter uncontrollably when I think I'm taking a birth-mom to the hospital to have our baby?  Neither did I...

Oh no, I'm not having ANY fun...

This baby girl stuff, man, it's killing me.  So much cutey-cute stuff.  I just have to share some of my favorite recent finds...

I got the tip to head to a store called Bergstroms from the employees at my local scrapbook store Scrapbook Oasis...and when I walked in there I found this stuff...Zutano... all the colors and patterns are way too much fun...and they're so soft too...and they have matching hats...can you tell I love this stuff? :)

Then I found these socks on-line tonight...I'm behaving and not getting them...yet...but come on, little Mary Jane socks...does it get any cuter?

Finally (for now) there is this store...Janie & Jack...I found it last year when I was getting gifts for friends...definitely a wait-till-it's-on-sale store...their gift wrapping is the cutest thing ever...Sean and I did pick up some of their Fall stuff on sale a couple weeks ago...it made me SO happy to walk into the store to shop for our child

Could be today...

"It could be today..." is what the midwife said at Roxana's appointment a couple of hours ago.  She went on to say, "or it could be three more weeks". 

What we know for sure is that she is 60% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated.

When I was pregnant with Mac I was in the hospital for my last couple of weeks.  With all the complications we were having I literally woke up every morning not knowing if I was going to have a baby that day. 

It's taken me almost 10 years to realize that that is actually how it works in every pregnancy, you get to a certain point and then it could happen any day.  I guess it could be today, or tomorrow, or March 11th even.  I'm going to be waking up every morning not knowing if my baby will be born later that day.

In case it's today or tomorrow...I'd better go get some more stuff done around here. :)

Beary Happy...

On Wednesday, sitting eating fast food after a doctor's appointment, Roxana and I randomly ended up in a brief discussion about stuffed animals and I asked if if she'd ever been to Build-a-Bear.  When she said no, I knew we should make a trip there...so we did tonight.

It's the ultimate experience for Mac so he dove right in picking out his bright-green, shamrock-printed bear.  Meanwhile Roxana quietly picked out a lavender colored bear since, as we also talked about on Wednesday, it is one of her favorite colors.  They stuffed them, gave them an "air bath", picked out clothes, and typed up birth certificates. 

After she finished her bear I tentatively asked her if she'd want to make one for the baby.  The look on her face said it all and she went right over to pick out this bear.  When it came time to dress her, Roxana looked around at the outfits for a minute and then asked me what I thought about her dressing it the same as she had dressed hers.  My heart was a puddle on the floor as I told her I was thinking the exact same thing. She named the bear "DJ" and signed the birth certificate from "Roxy". 

It was so fun to have more time together tonight.  To see her personality and sense of humor shine through.  To hear her discuss sports with Sean, and insist that he feel her stomach when she was having an intermittent contraction.  To see Mac show her that she HAD to "clean" her new bear in the Build-a-Bear bathtub.  To discuss the problems she's having with the teacher for the shelter who is frustrated with Roxana since she apparently gets her school work done, "too quickly".

Granted the whole goal in this is to be a family of four, but tonight we already were.  We're not just getting a baby out of this whole deal, we have been given a gracious, amazing young woman who I can say unabashedly that I LOVE.  There will not be another day in my life that I don't think of her, and hope for her, and pray that she will be happy.  I will be so proud to introduce my daughter to her one day, and have her grow up understanding that she came from such an astounding person.

Silly as it may be, I love that we have this tangible teddy bear for Darby to enjoy one day.

My new favorite place...

in our house is this screaming pink closet...had a little bit of WAY too much fun getting this all organized. :)

Clothes are all organized by size and dividers tied with ribbon, paperwork is all organized, toys, bath stuff...all organized and just altogether girly and cute.

I've made 60 pink thank you notes since friends are already getting us gifts...I am one lucky girl to have such great friends.

I took Roxanna (birth mom) for a doctor's appointment this morning.  The ultrasound came back as normal, the official due date is March 8th, and our little Darby Jane is already weighing in at 2800 grams...after Google-ing a metric conversion table I was able to discover that equals approximately 6.2 pounds.

Our daughter's name will be...

Finished this up last night...it's hanging on the wall by her crib.  Picked up the idea for "Darby" last spring...randomly enough it was the cute Irish name of the overnight labor and delivery nurse for my friend Laura last May. The middle name is "Jane" which is my mom's name...I really like how they go together.

Still working on the pink closet...it's needing a trip to Target in a little bit...